The Fast and Fentress 2017 Summer Movie Hype Index

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The time has come for another slew of Summer movies.  Now it’s time to break down the good, the bad, and the ugly of this year’s offerings.

May

Snatched – May 12

Yet another step down on Amy Schumer’s stairway to unknowing self-parody, this one looks about as funny as open-mic night at the cancer ward.  For vagina-joke aficionados, however, it’s sure to be the toast of the summer.  Hype level: 2

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword – May 12

Guy Ritchie’s take on the King Arthur story looks pretty generic.  I haven’t got much more to say about it, as I have already forgotten the trailer.  Hype level: 3

Alien: Covenant – May 19

Ridley Scott’s first true Alien movie since, well, Alien, looks to be an exercise in giving the people what they want, and I see nothing wrong with that.  Hype level: 6

Baywatch – May 25

Though certainly a symptom of Hollywood’s “remake everything with name recognition” disease, Baywatch actually looks decent, thanks to the filmmakers’ wise decision to not even pretend to take it seriously.  Hype level: 6

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales – May 26

Since I haven’t seen the last two (three?) Pirates movies, I might be up for one more, especially considering that it’s the last one.  Hype level: 5

June

Wonder Woman – June 2

It’s a DC movie about a character that isn’t Batman. After Batman vs. Superman and Suicide Squad, those who choose to watch this have only themselves to blame.  Hype level: 2

The Mummy – June 9

Sure, we’d all love to see a Brendan Fraser comeback, but given the train wreck that was Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, maybe a reboot is the way to go.  Cruise is always a solid lead, and this could turn out to be a perfectly enjoyable popcorn movie.  Hype level: 6

It Comes at Night – June 9

It Comes at Night has the best kind of horror trailer: one that doesn’t show its hand.  This mysterious, unsettling preview has me psyched.  Hype level: 7

47 Meters Down – June 16

Yes, it looks to be borrowing a fair amount from The Shallows, and yes, the PG-13 rating is less than ideal, but I guess I’m just a sucker for shark movies, because there’s no way I’ll miss this one.  Hype level: 6

Rough Night – June 16

Flipping the genders of the main characters doesn’t change the fact that this movie is a shameless – and judging by the trailer, humorless – rip-off of Very Bad Things, with a few pages cribbed from Weekend at Bernie’sHype level: 1

All Eyez On Me – June 16

Another year, another slew of musical biopics.  This could be good, but so could the millionth Marvel movie.  The fatigue is real.  Hype level: 4

Transformers: The Last Knight – June 23

The fifth Transformers movie.  Enough said.  Hype level: 2

The Beguiled – June 23

It suffers from a serious case of trailer-giving-too-much-away syndrome, but this period drama-cum-horror has enough going for it to pique my interest.  Hype level: 7

Baby Driver – June 28

Maybe it’s just the slick trailer, but I’m excited for this one.  Thanks to a stacked cast and Hot Fuzz director Edgar Wright, this one looks like a high-speed summer treat.  Hype level: 8

Amityville: The Awakening – June 30

With their copious output, the Amityville Horror franchise puts even the most iconic slashers to shame when it comes sheer quantity.  Being the nineteenth movie in the series, it should go without saying that there’s nothing new here.  But there are some hot summer nights when a cheap haunted house movie just hits the spot.  Hype level: 6

Spider-Man Homecoming – July 7

When you’re rebooting a series for the second time in five years, maybe – just maybe – it’s time to throw in the towel.  Spider-Man 3 is looking better by the minute.  Hype level: 3

War for the Planet of the Apes – July 14

The new Apes movies have been surprisingly good, although the first was significantly better than the second.  We’ll have to wait and see on this one, but I’m cautiously optimistic.  Hype level: 6

Dunkirk – July 21

Christopher Nolan’s latest behemoth sets its sights on World War II.  Hardly an original setting, but the solid trailer and cast have my interest.  Hype level: 6

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets – July 21

The trailer didn’t blow my mind, but the prospect of Luc Besson returning to The Fifth Element territory is enough to get me hyped.  Hype level: 8

Atomic Blonde – July 28

80s setting, one of John Wick‘s directors, how can you go wrong?  My only gripe: whoever decided to ruin “Blue Monday” by mashing it up with “Black Skinhead” deserves to be fired.  Hype level: 7

The Dark Tower – July 28

The track record of Stephen King adaptations is only slightly better than that of Bill Cosby, but this one just might prove to be a rare exception to the rule.  I haven’t read the book, so take that opinion with a grain of salt.  Hype level: 5

Emoji Movie: Express Yourself – August 4

Not so much a movie as a cultural nadir, the very existence of this abomination is cause for despair.  May God have mercy on our souls.  Hype level: 0

Annabelle 2 – August 11

It’s clear that Warner Brothers won’t stop milking The Conjuring until its udders burst into flames, but the staleness of the source material is somewhat offset by the presence of director David Sandberg, who helmed last year’s pleasant surprise ­­­­Lights OutHype level: 5

The Hitman’s Bodyguard – August 18

This late-summer throwback to the buddy action movies of old looks pretty fun, thanks to a couple of well matched leads and a trailer that delivers on both the action and the comedy.  Hype level: 6

 

That’s all folks, we’ll find out how these movies live up the the hype as the Summer continues.  Stay tuned.

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